Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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