i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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