We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
