I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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