True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
