I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
