I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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