Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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