I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
