I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
