i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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