am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize