shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize