The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
BRING THE BAGELS
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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