Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
