And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
When are your genitals available?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
