apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
