Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
