Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
