I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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