Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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