I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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