I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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