who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
