Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
