New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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