Heybabeimwearingurpanties
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
