and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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