We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
