The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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