I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
