I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
