god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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