I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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