Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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