I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
