I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
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