So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
