I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The ass gains better be worth it
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