I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
