I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
