That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
splinters make it hard to masturbate
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You are a genius and a whore.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
