you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize