Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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