Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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