Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This is my gift to your gina
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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