What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize