she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
