but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
