Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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