$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
