The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
