Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
