Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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