Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
