he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
