bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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