OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he thought i was a dude.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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