Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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