Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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