If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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