she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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